Friday, 28 September 2012

Filthy F*ckers

If there is a trend in our stories, its this: people keep a low profile and succeed for awhile at it, but eventually, your profile spikes, and I'm waiting for you. And suddenly, you are presented with your history in the building. And I can be incredibly detailed.

And you move.

They had been in the building for about 20 years. I honestly can't tell you when their brains moved out, but I think it was a long ass time ago. He is a weird looking guy-rather intense, but he was there enough to 'get it' so to speak. He noticed the changes in the building. He was asking questions in the direction of "my time here is limited". She was a fucking goner. Ding dong! Nothing's home upstairs. Honestly, I don't want to mock too far, as it may have been some type of industrial accident that caused brain damage instead of super powers. Ok, so that was mocking. Whatever, it might have been inbreeding, and I'm ok with that.

One day, he stops and gets a concerned look on his face as he asks Dino, "hey, you were an archaeologist, right?"


"so, what are your thoughts on the lost city of Atlantis?

Oh shit buddy. We just had to add you to the ABM list. Done. There's no coming back from that.

Sidebar: The ABM List.

ABM stands for "Always Be Moving" Actually pre-dates the buildings, as I invented the term when I met an old neighbor at a dumpy building and she had no teeth and would start going off on any old story that seemed important to her. So basically, if you are always moving, they can't pin you down and ask you random crap.

She did the finances for the pair, and after living here for 20 years, do you think she'd ever be able to fill out a check without an error? Not once. She knew to initial everything, but you'd see a little "FF" on every check. The change in year would throw her off until June.


Oh, and they smell. Did I mention that? In three years, I never figured out what the cause of the smell was. As, I could ever so subtlety say, "Hi! Great to see you. Well kind of. While we are having a conversation about general items, would you mind upping your shower regimen to twice a month?" or perhaps, "hey! Have you heard of the Crest line of teeth care products?" or even a "Hey! You are the 1 millionth person to enter the front door. Here's a bottle of Mr.Clean. Directions are on the bottle. Oh yeah, that is super nice of me. It was completely random." But I never figured it out. It just smelled like...them. And it was bad.

I should also mention that their apartment looks like a flop house. They've trashed the floors, the walls are gross and dirty-just bad.

So, already, and I don't know if this is coming across...I wouldn't shed a tear if they left.

So smelly dumb folk. And that's the way it went. Then they got bedbugs.

Oh yay! Smelly dumb people with a pest control problem. F'ing brilliant.

So we sprayed, and then a neighbor got bedbugs. Check their apartment again, and yes they have them.

So we sprayed again, and then another neighbor got bedbugs. Checked their apartment and found them...again.

Their sofa, which was now the primary choice for sitting, eating, and sleeping, was teaming with them.

And they said they never saw anything. At this point, I'm furious. So the plan was put in motion. In a vote of 4-2, they were to be evicted from the Big Brother House.

So I go in, and I tell them, again, that they have bedbugs. I tell them that their sofa is full of them. Furthermore, the last pest guy told them explicitly that they needed to get rid of the sofa.

"Well, we can't really afford to go and buy a bed, but if you say we need to get rid of the sofa, then we'll get rid of it"

"Well, at this point, you can do whatever you want. Because I'm done. We aren't spraying this apartment anymore with you in it. You have two options. One, I can evict you, and I have that form right here prepared. You can choose to fight it, but please be aware that I don't do these things lightly. And I'm very good at what I do. I will win. At that point, anyone that calls for a reference will be told why exactly you are leaving, that it is an eviction, and that it is for non-compliance with bedbug eradication procedures. That will make your apartment search...exhaustive.

Or, you can choose to leave, at which point, I'll feel compelled to say that you gave notice to leave, and we'll end the conversation there."

It only took me 5 minutes to have a signed letter in my hands. I guess they got it after all.

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